That's all I can say. That's what it comes down to!
Last week was pretty hard for me. For a few (3) years my family and I have been noticing development delays, "stims", and other characteristics of autism in CJ. His pediatrician kept saying he was fine. Everyone that spent any time with him at all noticed how far behind his peers he was and that's he's just not full of cognitive ability. Well, finally I decided to switch doctors. We saw a new pediatrician that said that CJ wasn't autistic but had something similar called Hyper Kinetic Disorder and ADHD. So basically he was just going to be immature. His level of concepts and speaking would be 2-3 years behind his peers. We started aggressive speech therapy.
Well, he hasn't been improving. He does say some new words now and then, but not enough to be considered an improvement. He also started exhibiting new signs that had me worried (walking on tip toes, hiding, new "stims"). I took him to the doctor for a physical, expressed my concerns and that's when the bomb was dropped. The pediatrician is pretty sure he's Autistic.
I thought I was ready to hear it. I had been waiting years(!) for this diagnosis. I thought I would take the news well. I immediately left after filling out some insurance info, dropped CJ off at school and got in the car. I started balling. Full on blubbering. I felt like a whole new bomb had been dropped on me.
At that point, I realized two things:
1: It's not about me. I'm not the one that is autistic. I'm not the one that deals with it day in and day out. I'm not the one that can't communicate or sometimes control myself. It's not about me!!
2: As much as it's not about me, I'm still his mom. I'm still alone. I'm still dealing with it on my own. I'm going to be the one that gets him evaluated, taking him to speech/occupation therapists and doing the right thing at home.
For those of you that know me...I'm so tired of being alone. I could just scream. CJ's dad is pretty non existent at times and I've been doin this alone since late 2006.
While at the gym tonight (I know, go me!) I came to the conclusion that Life is Good. I need to stop worrying about what I don't have and the stuff I have to "deal" with and just realize how good it truly is.
I have a happy son. I have a loving son. And I get him all to myself. I don't have to share him with anyone. Life is good!